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		<title>♪ Forever, that is me. 🎵 &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/06-June/26.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>♪ Forever, that is me. 🎵</h1>
			<p>Day 00842: <time>Monday, 2017 June 26</time></p>
		</header>
<section id="to-do">
	<h2>To-do list</h2>
	<ul>
		<li>
			Acquire stuff for my new home:
			<ul>
				<li>
					A bed
				</li>
				<li>
					A dustpan
				</li>
				<li>
					A carpet broom
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Inform people that I&apos;ve moved
			<ul>
				<li>
					Relevant online accounts
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish stabilizing <a href="https://git.volatile.ch./y.st./include.d/releases">include.d</a> and put out another release (low priority)
		</li>
		<li>
			Clean up my apartment
			<ul>
				<li>
					<del>Clean up my bedroom</del>
					<ul>
						<li>
							<del>Finish sock-sorting</del>
						</li>
					</ul>
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the study alcove and living room
				</li>
				<li>
					Clean up the kitchen and entryway
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
		<li>
			Finish the library&apos;s &quot;bingo&quot; sheet (these tasks were typed verbatim, and include any mistakes and quirks present on the sheet handed to me)
			<ul>
				<li>
					Attend any library program
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book you found using Novelist. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a nonfiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a poem by Oregon Poet Laureate Elizabeth Woody
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book checked out from the Springfield Library (print, ebook, or audio)
				</li>
				<li>
					Visit somewhere new in downtown Springfield
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a graphic novel
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an author you have never read before
				</li>
				<li>
					Get outside: read in a Willamalane park for one hour willamalane.org
				</li>
				<li>
					Browse the Gale Virtual Reference Library. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Build, draw, or make something based on a book that you read
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a science fiction title
				</li>
				<li>
					Share a book recommendation
				</li>
				<li>
					Read an award-winning book
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book from a library display
				</li>
				<li>
					Suggest a library program you would attend
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a new book (published in 2016 or 2017)
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a young adult or children&apos;s book
				</li>
				<li>
					Build community: do something social. Try one of our book groups or go to Springfilm!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read something funny and have a good laugh :)
				</li>
				<li>
					Look at the art in the City Hall Gallery. There&apos;s a new show every month!
				</li>
				<li>
					Volunteer for a couple hours at a community organization of your choice.
				</li>
				<li>
					Download one of the library&apos;s free apps or search in a database. A librarian can help!
				</li>
				<li>
					Read a book that takes place in another country
				</li>
				<li>
					Recommend our BINGO challenge to friends or family
				</li>
			</ul>
		</li>
	</ul>
</section>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		I went to First Tech to close my account and mention the website issue.
		They asked if a cashier&apos;s cheque would be alright for the withdrawal.
		I always prefer cash, but as I was just going to run it over to Oregon Community Credit Union right away, it didn&apos;t particularly matter, so I let them give me the cheque instead.
		My money is now consolidated in one place, becoming whole, like the fragments of my fractured mind.
		Strangely, when the teller ran my coins through their counting machine, they found an odd, bent quarter.
		They showed it to one of their coworkers, and I thought it was the odd penny I&apos;ve had for a while.
		Coin counters usually won&apos;t count it because it&apos;s bizarrely too large to be a penny.
		It couldn&apos;t be counterfeit though, could it?
		No one would waste their money creating coins that are worth less than the metal they&apos;re made from.
		My best guess is that it was the victim of a chemical reaction, as in addition to the size oddity, the metal composition seems off.
		It wasn&apos;t the penny though, the counter took that.
		They gave me the quarter, not knowing what else to do with it, as the counter wouldn&apos;t count a bent coin.
		I was amused, and said the counting machine must&apos;ve bent it.
		If I&apos;d had a bent coin in my coin pouch, I&apos;d&apos;ve noticed it.
		As I was walking out though, I realised that the quarter hadn&apos;t been mine.
		I don&apos;t keep quarters in the coin pouch.
		I use that pouch specifically for coins I plan to put in a credit union account.
		I keep my quarters on my shelf though to feed the washing machines and dryers.
	</p>
	<p>
		Depending on the route I took, Bi-Mart would be on the way home, so I headed in their direction.
		I had planned to try to register a new card with them for their lucky number Tuesday, but I decided today that I might not like the consequences of my attempt at deception.
		I lent my old card to Cyrus long ago, who lost it.
		The truth is, I&apos;m not going to be doubling my odds of winning by getting another card, I&apos;m just going to be getting back to the regular odds; my odds for the time being have been zero.
		They always check <abbr title="identification">ID</abbr> before allowing registration though.
		I thought they might have my <abbr title="identification">ID</abbr> number on file, so I instead admitted I lost the card long ago and asked if there was any way for me to get a replacement.
		Their system is nowhere near as sophisticated as I feared though.
		They checked my <abbr title="identification">ID</abbr>, but couldn&apos;t find the surname &quot;Yst&quot; on file.
		Unable to proceed in any way, I asked if, since I clearly didn&apos;t have a membership on file, I could register a new one.
		They had no reason to disallow it, so I now have a Bi-Mart membership that has never been attached to my former name.
	</p>
	<p>
		This wound on my hand is painful and annoying.
		It looks like it&apos;s doing better.
		I really should be more careful.
		Still though, there&apos;s no reason the front counter at work should have that long, metal tab sticking up.
		The only thing it does is provide a hazard.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="dreams">
	<h2>Dream journal</h2>
	<p>
		I dreamed I was at work, and someone ordered fourteen taquitoes.
		We don&apos;t have those on our menu, but one of the shift leaders had brought some in to cook and eat.
		I asked if they wanted to sell them, they reluctantly agreed, saying they didn&apos;t want to be stingy.
		It turned out the number we had was the exact number the customer wanted.
		I was going to sell them for a dollar each, then give the money to the shift leader that had given them up, but I decided to be sure on the price first.
		I asked, and they said fifty cents instead.
		After  cooking them, I got to the window, and the person ordering them drove off in a rush without taking them or paying for them.
	</p>
	<p>
		It turned out to be a former coworker of mine.
		They knew very well we don&apos;t sell taquitoes, and had ordered them as a prank.
		Then when we actually <strong>*had*</strong> them, they didn&apos;t <strong>*want*</strong> them.
		I stared at my former coworker in the distance trying to decide what to do, but a group of nearby punks didn&apos;t like my staring in their direction (my coworker was far behind them), and they came over to the window to mess with me.
		They stole a dollar and a half of the money that was for some reason on the counter instead of in the register.
		I managed to pull the dollar from their grasp, but there was no hope in getting close enough to pry the quarters away from them, so I didn&apos;t even try.
		I then noticed they had some of our paperwork, so I snatched that back as well.
		It hadn&apos;t been filled out yet, so we could&apos;ve reprinted it, but I didn&apos;t like these thieves taking our stuff.
		Besides, they were only taking the paperwork to mess with me, they did&apos;t have a use for it.
	</p>
	<p>
		I went to tell the shift leader about our former coworker&apos;s prank, the fact that we still had the taquitoes, and the fact that we&apos;d lost fifty cents to thieving punks.
		After doing so, one of the walls opened up and revealed a secret freezer section.
		Somehow though, this belonged to Fred Meyer, so only Fred Meyer employees were allowed in.
		Cyrus was now with us, which was particularly strange, as we were in the back room of my workplace, where only our employees are allowed, and we&apos;d somehow intersected with Fred Meyers, so a Fred Meyers employee was there too, but there was no reason for a random person from outside these places of employment to be there.
		Cyrus brushed my neck with his hand or something; I forget the exact reason.
		All I remember is that it hurt, as he came in contact with a tender skin tag there.
		When I reacted, he thought he&apos;d been too rough, so I showed him the skin tag and he understood.
	</p>
	<p>
		Now that I&apos;m awake, I see the skin tag is very much there, but it&apos;s not tender in any way.
		It&apos;s one of several I&apos;v had on my neck line for quite a while.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		I just realised this morning that I can&apos;t be demihomosexual.
		I can&apos;t be demisexual of any flavour.
		Simply put, even though I&apos;m not experiencing desire, I&apos;m still experiencing sexual attraction.
		I might be full-on homosexual, but I&apos;m not demi-anything.
		The question of if I have enough sexuality or pair-bonding instinct in me to actually attempt to find relationship partner remains to be seen though.
		Finding a partner without trying likely won&apos;t happen.
		I have too many uncommon quirks, such as my veganism and demand for free software.
		I can&apos;t live with non-vegan products in the house, and I <strong>*won&apos;t*</strong> live with Windows machines in my abode.
		That said, if I actually <strong>*did*</strong> try ... there&apos;s got to be someone like me; several someones, actually.
		It should be possible to track one down that loves me, and that I love them.
		I&apos;m getting ahead of myself though.
	</p>
	<p>
		I&apos;m convinced my past self is attached to my past name.
		The majority of the larger changes in my mental state only occurred after I cleared myself of that ridiculous name.
		I think that name was one of the major lynchpins that kept me in that state of mind.
		That state of mind was more practical than my current one, but also more neurotic and in a constant state of frustration.
		As <span class="redacted">[REDACTED]</span> dies away, I feel Alex becoming stronger, more confident, and more relaxed.
		I even found myself singing a little song today:
	</p>
	<p>
		🎶 I&apos;m Alex Yst forever. 𝆕<br/>
		🎜 Forever, forever. ♬<br/>
		♫ I&apos;m Alex Yst forever. 🎝<br/>
		♪ Forever, that is me. 🎵
	</p>
	<p>
		At work, I was stationed at the oven landing with my martial artist shift leader.
		Near the end of the day, they said again that they&apos;d find someone to take that key I&apos;d previously told them was the key to my heart.
		The continued that they didn&apos;t know if my heart was broken, but they&apos;d find someone to break it.
		I refuse to live in a closet, so I admitted what&apos;s been going on lately: that I think my heart is healing, and that I&apos;ve been experiencing sexual attraction.
		Also, that I might be homosexual.
		It turns out they&apos;re bisexual, so that put them firmly in the camp of understanding.
		They&apos;re not heteronormative.
		We talked a bit, and I think in having to formulate sentences, I crystallised my thoughts on the matter.
		My biggest frustration is that I don&apos;t want to be this.
		I don&apos;t want to be gay, or strait, or bi.
		I want to be ace, like I&apos;ve always been.
		On top of that though, I don&apos;t even know if I&apos;m going to be this next week.
		My last strange hormone surge went away; my hormones may still be in flux and I may yet return to normal (well, normal for me).
		If I&apos;m stuck gay though, how do I even know who&apos;s gay and not?
		Who can I even pursue without making feel uncomfortable?
	</p>
	<p>
		Lastly, the man I&apos;ve most been attracted to so far is a married strait man.
		He&apos;s certainly not going to be interested in me.
		Ha, if he found out, he&apos;d probably be weirded out.
		He&apos;s funny though, and handsome.
		That said, in all honesty, he&apos;s not right for me.
		He has children, which means he <strong>*would*</strong> have children.
		That&apos;s not the type of person I&apos;d want to spend my life with.
		The world&apos;s overpopulated already, so someone that wants to push the child issue is going to make me as unhappy as I&apos;d make them.
		He&apos;s also clever, but I don&apos;t think he&apos;s super geeky or anything.
		He likely wouldn&apos;t understand my computerised interests.
		He&apos;s knowledgeable about pop culture, so he&apos;s probably into that, while I shun all things nonfree.
		We have, like, nothing in common, besides the desire to joke around and keep the workplace lighthearted.
		Oh, yeah, I just remembered he&apos;s not vegan.
		We wouldn&apos;t work out at all as a couple.
	</p>
	<p>
		A couple paragraphs back, I mentioned the healing of my heart, and elsewhere in this journal entry, I mentioned my fractured mind becoming whole as of late.
		I think my previous living environment was more toxic than I realised.
		I was never free to be me, so whatever I was, it was just my mind&apos;s way of defending itself from onslaught.
		As I learn to love and accept myself for who I am, my mind is exposing itself and showing me who I am.
		The previous case of my sexuality coming out then going away again could be because I didn&apos;t accept that part of me yet.
		I&apos;d accepted enough of me to expose the next part, but when I found that part of me to be vile, it hid again.
		I likely can&apos;t discover the rest of me until I accept and embrace this part; the part that might not want to live and die alone.
		It could take time though, as I&apos;ve always considered this sort of pairing to be a symptom of weakness.
		Do I really need to be strong though?
		Do I owe that to <strong>*anyone*</strong>, myself included?
		I think that, perhaps, I don&apos;t.
		In the name of science (or rather, self-discovery), I must press onward.
	</p>
</section>
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			Copyright © 2017 Alex Yst;
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			If for some reason you would prefer to modify and/or distribute this document under other free copyleft terms, please ask me via email.
			My address is in the source comments near the top of this document.
			This license also applies to embedded content such as images.
			For more information on that, see <a href="/en/a/licensing.xhtml">licensing</a>.
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